Hidden Away

Ahh... Love always interferes a weak soul. haha.
We, human, become vulnerable because of love.
Not to mention, love usually drives us out of sense - becomes labile, and emotional all the time. Yet, we love being in love. Based on life experience, love brings smile. Love touches the most sensitive part of human's soul. Thus, people will not be mind to be in love whether the journey is hard, the ending is vague and unpredictable. That makes people excited about being in love. Not necessarily all people.. of course.
Hm..... my love experience for now is.. full of surprise. Not from the particular person, but from life.. from the journey of being in love.
Intuition
Sincerity
and Dependable to the Almighty. I just realized that greed of human or I may say Desire fools us. To differentiate desire and passion is like holding water with both hands. Hard.
However, the easier way is to let it flow. Wanting it but be not afraid to let it go. It is like what J.K. Rowling describes the Mirror of Erised. You can get whatever you want as long it's not for your own greed.
My love story is not happy ending, yet is not a sad ending either. It's not coming to an end yet.
Next step that I'd like to take is let him know that
"I want to free your heart
I want to see your heart
I want to feel your love
Will you reveal your love
Please don't keep your heart hidden away" :)

Do I love you enough?

My heart is pumping fast enough to make me realize that your presence is somewhat noticed in my heart.
Then, my heart silently response to it
My heart can't really tell whether I want to be with you or not. There are two things. One. Yes I want to be with you, you are never absent in my mind. Yet, I need an exact reason to be with you. A reason where you also require my presence. I don't think that I have what you need. I don't want to be selfish.
and I think... I'll be selfish if I force myself to be with you.

this is absurd
this leads me to ask... do I love you enough?
or... I just need you to prove that I am worth-ed to be loved too...

Of consolers, wisest, best, and our soul's most welcome guest, sweet refreshment, sweet repose.
In our labour rest most sweet, pleasant coolness in the heat, consolation in our woes.

Hanya Malam Itu Sudah Cukup

Hanya malam itu sudah cukup
Remang
Musik mengkancah
Hanya kita berdua
Asyik sendiri di tengah sekian banyaknya orang
Tertawa ketika terlalu bersemangat berimprovisasi hingga nada aneh ayng keluar
Kita saling mengerti tanpa kata-kata
Tawamu bagaikan satu kalimat utuh
Benturan bahu kita berdua bagaikan percakapan berjam-jam
Senyuman kita berdua bagaikan sahabat bertahun-tahun
Hanya malam itu sudah cukup?

I am in love!!!!!!!!!!

OH GOD!!! IT'S BEEN A LONG TIMEEEEE THAT I HADN'T BEEN EXPERIENCING SUCH A FEELING!!!!!

"WHAT A FEELING.... WHAT A FEELING... YEA YEA YEA HAHAHAHAH"

This happened just now!! TODAY!!!...

I was a bit confused by going to NEWMAN to play some music or NOT!!! However, as the same thing, I WENT!!!! with a mind fulled "whatever it happens it will happen" and hahahaha I went to northgate. I didn't know what happen to me, but I was kinda lazy to go... however, there was something else in myself said... "just go" hahaha alrite so I went. Barnes and Nobles as usual being my very good companion, with a little friend of SOY MOCHA!! (WHich was VERY NICE).

I'd planned to answer my review or do my bio's homework, but weeewww... my bio's homework seemed too hard, and I didn't have my book with me, so I tried to answer Psych's review instead... It went ok, not excellent but not too bad... then, this guy was coming. He is someone I knew at the bus, we took the same bus and he is from Indonesia.. we talked alot on the phone. He asked me ANYTHING!! HAUHAUHAUAHUAHUA and believe me, it was somehow annoying!!!, actually mostly he would ask me about Indonesian movie, psychology, and his "problem". However, when he asked, he wouldn't stop!! he would ask more,, more,, More, MOre, MORE, and MOOOREEEEE!!!!! hauahua I was just feeling exhausted.

Nevertheless, today!!! it was somehow DIFFERENT!!!

He brought up a new topic!! the topic that I am EXCITED to discuss...

it's about Catholic...he's not Catholic, he's Christian though... He asked about Catholic... much about it, with his usual style... (question that goes to another question ahahhaha) But I WAS HAPPY to ANSWER!!!! Not just because I could clarify somethings!! But also HE WANTED TO LISTEN!!! OH GOD IT FELT SOOOO GOOOOD!!! :D

I am saying this, because, I was in the same situation where my BEST FRIEND was asking me about the same topic, but I was just feeling that she was hearing but not LISTENing,, she just couldn't open her mind, I am not blaming her by doing that, it was something that she's been taught since a little girl, thus she might have a hard time to be more open, and try to understand, my "complicated" explanation about this matter. (you know what I am talking about rite?? the sensitive part/crucial part about Christian and Catholic... ~~how sad...)

Alrity... we were chatting all nite, at that cozy little corner at Barnes and Nobles. He was not annoying at all!!! he was lovely!! hauhauahuahua, then... he said..."wow, it's exciting to hear more about Catholic..." ooooh that's so lovely...

I don't need him to be Catholic, I was glad enough since he was able to understand the way we do, and open his mind to whatever information that I delivered. It might be contradicted, but I was also trying to explain why it is contradicting, or why there is such a thing... :D

After that... I couldn't stop smiling!! and thinking... "uhu... God, I know what are you doing, you set me up to be at that place with that friend huh?? hahahahhaa"

SO... tHANK you MY FRIEND!!!! Thank you to be such an excellent listener.. he was just making my nite become soooooo wonderful!!!

THen, I arrived at Newman center... I thought I might be late, yet, they were setting up and waiting for other members to come and join. Then I met our lovely violist (am I spelling it right?? hahaha) I told her about my CONVERSATION.... about what happened, and about my feeling (she was asking about how am I doing) She said.... she was happ for me!!!! and she could understand about my feeling, we are just glad when we could be understood by our Christian's brothers and sisters... as we are brothers and sisters in Christ... We repect you guys!! and we never never wanted to try to make you be a Catholic, we just want you... to understand us, and try to accept us the way we are...

Then.. all the crazyness happened!! hahahaha, the practice was began by my prayer (the first time ever!!! in English!! hauhauahua), and I played the DJEMBE AGAIN!!!! HAUAHUAHUHUAA Love it love it love it... MY new baby!!!!!

and there were a completed sundays at 7 musician!!!!! YEYY!!!!!! there were saxophone, flute, violin, trombone, guitar, bass, piano, drum, and DJEMBE!!! hauahuahuahua it felt sooooo nice....

we heard a lot of applause!! hahahaha (rarely to hear at practice, we just cheered each other!!) we also were very pleased to have a new pianist!!! hahahaha and he nailed it...

well well well, the story isn't ended yet...

When we did a closing prayer, I was just sooooo overwhelmed!! Filled by too much energy!!! then I started singing...

"I am so exciting.... I am so exciting... I lvoe the Lord...I love the Loooord" this was a song that we learnt from the music ministry retreat.. taught by total expression choir... (Awesome gospel choir... believe me!!!)

then, everybody was just joining me!!! hahahahahahahahhaha!!!! it feeelllllt soooooo greaaaaaaaaaaat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am sooooooooooo full of joy!!!! right now... truly... this is the feeling when I am feeling so comfortable about myself!! the feeling when I could express my feeling!! all out!!! Because, staying here without a family, make me feel a bit lonely, because I have no one Whom I could express my self to. so that was sooo awesome!!

I just can't tell anything anymore!!!

I am just feeling so blessed!!!!!!!!! sooooooooo much!!!!!!! God is goood....

"whenever you are not thinking about yourself, God is going to think about your self...."

ooooooooooooooooooo
I am sooooo in loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I love you... sundays at SEVEN!!!!

I want to tell a lot of things

Hey hooooo... it's been ages since I wrote my last blog. hahahaha

Alrighty.. today is the sixth day of October and there were so many things have happened!!!

Soo... the first thing that I want to tell, I proudly announced that I am officially entering the fall quarter (which is my fifth quarter in Shoreline Community college)..

Classes werre amazingly busy! haahhaahhaahha but incredibly fun!

I have Biology class, from 7:30 AM! to 8:30, and we will have lab for approzimately 2 hours. However, the teacher is fun, the class is fun, but the homeworks are weeeeeeew hauhauahua (not a word to be fitted)

Then I have my speech communication studies. IT IS A SUPER AWESOME CLASS!!! it's like a playing class which is soooooooo fun, the teacher is awesome for he makes the class become like a "family".
After that, I should have a break one hour before having my last class which is Pyshcology reasearch. However, after hearing about two new indonesian students joined the CHORALE, I definitely felt absurdly nervous hahahaha. Therefore, I took my break time to see they practiced and that was the key for my heart to say yes and also took the class!! without thinking any further!!! hahahaha This might be categorized as following "passion or heart" OR!! "desire-what I want" huaaaaaaaa no idea...


Well, about this case - "following" whatever it might be called - On last Thursday it happened again!!

I had planned not to play at newman for last sunday (this is a story about last thursday). So, I ended school and went home, was trying to do a lot of School works and of course learning Toefl. However, after connecting to internet, emails were coming and they were all about practicing on taht day. it said that the time was earlier and also there would be peter (trombone/violin) and had no drum nor piano player. Also, I saw that there were lack of singers, so 2 hours (approximately) before practicing I changed clothes QUICKLY and ran to bus stop.. hahahaha flying to newman. And... yaaa... I was welcomed and ended up to be a Djembe player!! hauahuahua it's one of percussions instrument from africa. it was because there was no drummer show up. I tried it and they said it was not bad.. And yes.. drummer came finally. I still played though. It was awesome.. another excellent feeling.. hahahaha

Then, sunday was arrived. I came quiet early and met our leader for that day, Amy. She told me that "chen, you'll be the star of tonight because ricky was sick"... ng.... ok... (with unbeliveble expression)

And ya... I played djembe as the solo percussion for that night. Weeeew... I was experiencing weird feeling while playing that hahaha.. but no pressure for sure haha.

And mr. sound check (andy) told me that I played it just right!! hauahuahauhauahuahua



Thank you thank you...

so probably... I revealed one of my undiscovered talent eh? hahahahahah



Thank you for alll!!!!

love you...

especially YOU!!!

I am feeling vulnerable

It has been a year since I stepped my feet on Seattle for the first time. My feeling is overwhelmed.
One year has been filled by so much wonderful things!!!!
I felt when I first came that this is my place. This place is belonged to me. I love my hostfamily, friends in church for both Indonesian and native community. I have friends and people who could be crazy with.
Nevertheless, there is a time that I miss my friends or people who I knew at Indonesia. I know that I had spent 18 years with them so it is not mistaken if they knew me well.
There are 4 people who knew me very well.
They are people who I can express my self genuinely (for some parts)
My father is the first person who knows me ver very well... he just knows what I neeed... Just a simple hug is something that I needed sometimes. He provided that even though I didn't tell anything.
My mother is the second person who also knows me hahahaha.. of course..
she knows what I like or what I don't. What is good for me or not. Both are perfect parents for me.
The third person is Retty. Even though we are mostly 20 years apart; however, she and me were just like best friend!!!!! I can share anything with her. My crazy thoughts, craazy feelings, or share about guys!!!! ahahahahahah... and she was my friend to hang out with.
Lastly, Maneng, my mother's aunty. Even though she and me hadn't had a deep conversation about life or some stuff like that, but she was an excelent nanny for me. She picked me up from school or piano course or ballet course or anything else for many many years!!!! She was also knew what I like or not...
wuaaaaaaaaaa
I miss them sooooo much....
soooooooo mucccccch
today is one of the days that I am being sooooo sesitive and vulnerable...

hehehehehhehe
you know lah... this is a confession of a student who goes abroad...

All in all... I am still glad that I am here
because....
that's the way I grow...

Thank you Lord...
thank you....